Talking About Wellbeing

For Line Managers – How to Talk to Someone About Their Wellbeing

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Talking About Wellbeing – For Line Managers

Mental health and wellbeing started getting the limelight it deserved from the fallout of Covid-19.

Covid-19 brought with it a whole raft of factors that impacted directly on our lives. For me, there were 3 key factors that set Covid apart from anything else most of us had experienced before in our lives, up until that point.

Key Factor 1 – multiple stress factors at the same time.

Key Factor 2 – living with the fear of high stress situations happening.

Key Factor 3 – living with the fear of high stress situations not happening.

Let me explain. The list below is some of the well documented factors that can cause high levels of stress during our lifetime.

– Death of a loved one.

– Divorce.

– Loss of a job / change of job.

– Financial problems.

– Getting married.

– Moving house.

– Chronic illness / injury.

Key Factor 1 – multiple stress factors at the same time.

What sets Covid apart is that these stress factors can be experienced over a lifetime, but for an awful lot of people, some of them were happening all at once, creating multiple layers of stress.

People were losing their loved ones at the same time as losing their jobs, which created financial problems. The level of stress created was a lot higher than people might have experienced had they been able to deal with these one at a time.

Key Factor 2 – living with the fear of high stress situations happening.

For a long period of time, there was the constant fear that any one of these stress factors might happen, which was largely out of anyone’s control.

It is perfectly natural for us to consider the ‘what ifs’ life might throw at us from time to time, but a lot of these top stress factors were put on the table and left dangling in front of us for well over a year.

We lived with constant fear that we might lose those closest to us to a deadly virus. People were experiencing loss of jobs, changes in jobs or being furloughed, so there was also the constant fear of whether that would happen. People suffered huge financial losses, either through their job situation or because they had their own business.

Some people had house moves forced on them; forced to downsize quickly to avoid huge financial debt.

There was the fear of catching Covid and not surviving but also the fear of catching it, surviving but then getting long Covid.

We lost our liberty and freedom and our need for social interaction was stifled.

These are all huge stress factors happening like the perfect storm, all gathering around us at the same time threatening to strike. This creates a massive amount of pressure on people.

Key Factor 3 – living with the fear of high stress situations not happening.

Interestingly with Covid came the fear that, actually, some of these stress factors won’t happen! Ironically, the stress of not being able to get married was greater than the stress normally caused by being able to. People having their big day cancelled 2, 3, 4 times.

For some people, the fear of keeping their job was worse than losing it, if it meant not being able to isolate away to keep themselves safe.

House moves were also curtailed, so families were stressed by having to stay where they were when they were desperate to move somewhere else.

There is no doubt that this was an exceptionally stressful time for a lot of people. We all deal with stress differently so how people showed their stress would have covered the entire spectrum of reactions.

Mental health and wellbeing should always have been a priority in the workplace in the same way as people’s physical wellbeing but dealing with the impact of Covid certainly helped put a huge magnifying glass on things for companies to check whether they were doing right by their people.

And whilst, within a lot of organisations, they have Mental Health First Aiders and Wellbeing teams, a lot of it falls to Line Managers.

Often, it might be you as the Manager that is the first person to identify, or get a sense that something is wrong with someone. It might not be anything you can put your finger on, you can just tell someone is not their usual self, seem withdrawn or quieter than normal or maybe distracted.

Whether you have had any sort of formal mental health training or not, this can be quite confronting to deal with. It is not always easy to get people talking about wellbeing.

Talking About Wellbeing – Some Tips and Tricks For You

Here are some Tips and Tricks to help you with this. We will have a look at what you can do before starting a conversation with someone and how to start that conversation.

Before that, let’s look at what stops people from opening up and how you can make that easier for them.

6 reasons why people might not open up about what is troubling them

Confidentiality

People can fear that a conversation won’t be kept confidential. We all have that 1 person that we tell everything and the person telling you something knows that and may worry about who that one person is you will tell. You need to give someone sufficient reassurance of confidentiality.

Someone at work may assume that if they talk to you, you will be obliged to tell your Line Manager, HR, Mental Health First Aiders or Wellbeing Managers or all of the above! Again, provide reassurance.

Being Judged

Unfortunately, social media has helped to reinforce a culture where people get to judge other people on a regular basis without recourse. Being able to hide behind whatever platform they are using, people can pass comments, opinions, and judgement about someone they don’t know, or a situation they know nothing about.

This doesn’t help people to feel they can say what they need to say, however they need to say it; there can be a very real fear that they will be judged for it.

There may be a fear of being judged for the problem itself, or the fact that you think they aren’t able to deal with whatever is going on for them.

All you can do is reassure someone from the outset why you are talking with them. “You can say anything you need to say, however you need to say it to me, all I want to do is support you.”

How They Might be Perceived

Once something has been said it cannot be taken back, so once it’s said, it’s said. This can be a real blocker for people even to contemplate talking about wellbeing to someone because if they change their mind part way through a conversation, it’s too late, something has already been said.

People worry, therefore, about opening up and it changing the way they are viewed. They may hold a senior position, a position of responsibility, be talking directly to your Customers every day or going out to see your Clients. People will worry that they will no longer be seen in the same way and their ability to continue doing their role may be called into question.

People can often find it more difficult to open up to a family member or someone they know well as they fear it will change their perception of them. If someone is able to work through their problems and start to feel better, will a family member be able to accept that, or will they always feel like they need to walk on eggshells? So, the person will hold back from telling them because they don’t want to cause them any worry.

People can overthink the impact on who they tell, which hinders them telling anyone.

They Cannot Find the Words

We are not all wordsmiths at the best of times, but when under stress or feeling anxious, this can exacerbate itself. So be conscious that, talking about wellbeing may not be easy; someone may want to talk to you, but they just don’t think they can find the words to explain what’s going on and how it’s making them feel.

You can help this from the outset by saying, “don’t worry about the words you use or how it might come out, just say what’s on your mind however you want to say it and we’ll sort it out from there.”

Used to Holding it All In

For some people, they may have been holding onto something for a long time or never talked about it out loud before. This can make talking about wellbeing really hard, as they’ve kept it all in for so long they create a fear about how that will feel if they let it out.

Have you ever heard someone say, “If I start crying, I’m scared I won’t be able to stop”? That’s a common way of expressing the fear of finally letting go of everything they have been holding onto, they worry it will be like a cork popping out of a bottle and they won’t be able to shove it back in! Sometimes it feels easier to leave things as they are.

There are People Worse Off Than Me

There will always be someone worse off than someone else……always. This doesn’t in any way negate or lessen how someone feels, just because we know someone else will be having a worse time of it. If it worked that way, there would only ever be one unhappy person in the world!

This can be a barrier to people opening up though, the thought almost that their worries and concerns aren’t worthy of someone listening to because they will know that there are people out there with ‘real problems’ or people out there ‘a lot worse off than them’.

It can act as a barrier because people challenge themselves as to why they can’t ‘just get over it’. The fear of someone else thinking that or, worse, saying that is enough to stop them saying anything at all.

Those are 6 good reasons that might stop someone talking about wellbeing and opening up, so here is what you can do to help this.

7 ways to break down the barriers to talking about wellbeing

Be Patient

Sometimes people will have held onto this information for a long time, maybe even years. They might have had a million conversations in their heads but never said one word out loud.

This might seem a bit strange but give them permission to speak. Use kind words of encouragement to let them know that it is okay to be saying things out loud, let them know that it is okay to let go, say what they need to say, however they need to say it – it’s okay.

Saying it out loud releases all sorts of feelings they may not have faced before, so let them take their time.

Don’t worry about silences, and don’t be in too much of a hurry to fill them. If you can tell the person is thinking or considering how to put something, allow them the space to think for a moment without jumping in.

If you sense frustration on their part, give some words of reassurance. “It’s okay, take your time, the words will come.”

This is why you need to ensure adequate time, otherwise it will be difficult for you to remain patient if you are worrying about other things you should be doing.

Questions

Allow the conversation to evolve naturally in its own way and time.

Open questions will give you the best chance of getting a conversation going.

If someone is having trouble getting started, you could ask, “when was the first time you felt like this?” “What was the first thing that made you feel this way?”

Use other leading phrases like:

“Talk to me about………”

“Tell me about…….”

“Give me some detail around……..”

“Tell me how that makes you feel.”

Listening

We all know that listening is important. It would be criminal to ask someone to open up about how they are feeling, and then not listen.

One of the best ways to listen properly is to be genuinely interested in what someone is saying. Whilst this might sound obvious, it isn’t always considered. If you spot that someone isn’t themselves and feel support needs to be offered, but don’t feel you are the right person to do that, then say so. Find someone who will be genuinely interested because they will listen. That is far better than feeling like you ‘should’ address something and then doing it half baked!

A lot of people in the workplace have had courses on how to listen properly – acknowledge, use attentive body language, recap, maintain eye contact – this is all good stuff.

Some people have excellent listening skills but aren’t giving the right signals to the person talking about wellbeing, so it looks like they are not listening. That’s a waste of great talent!

One of the key things with listening is to stop talking. Again, obvious, but not as easy as you imagine. Sometimes, to show we are listening, we interrupt to ask a question or clarify something, or even just repeat back. To the person talking, you have interrupted their flow and shown you weren’t listening, or you would have known they were in the middle of speaking.

We might interrupt because we feel we can solve a problem – offer someone a solution. Whilst you might think this is helpful, all you have done is stop the flow of their thinking by focusing on one point.

Sometimes you really can listen too loudly!

Confidentiality

Reassure them of complete confidentiality. Explain what that looks like. “I won’t talk to anyone about this conversation unless I am concerned about a safeguarding issue, or you and I agree I should.”

People can fear that a conversation won’t be kept confidential. You need to give someone sufficient reassurance that your conversation will not go beyond the two of you unless there is a safeguarding issue or unless you both agree it needs to. In that case you will both agree who that should be and how that will happen.

Do Not Judge

People are more likely to open up to you if you don’t pass judgement in any way, shape, or form. These can be blatant forms of judgement such as saying something like, “I’m really surprised, you always struck me as someone in control and confident, I never knew that actually you weren’t coping”. Or, “You probably shouldn’t drink as much as you do, it really won’t help matters.” These are judgmental and likely to stop someone talking.

There are less subtle ways you can make people feel judged, without you realising it. For example, “I know this all feels big to you but really, it’s very easy to resolve.” Or, “Blimey, you have got yourself in a mess haven’t you, let’s see how we can help.”

You might think you are offering help but you are judging them first.

Solving Problems and/or Offering Advice

When you offer someone the opportunity to talk to you that’s all they are signing themselves, and you, up for. They aren’t looking for you to solve all their problems and give them a bucket full of advice.

It’s important for two reasons why you shouldn’t seek to solve problems or give advice. Firstly, this puts huge pressure on you to come up with all the answers. Secondly, no one has asked you to or wants you to, at this stage.

It’s hard when someone is talking about wellbeing and offloading to you, to refrain from trying to solve all their problems. If you care, you are driven to make them feel better and one way of doing that is to find all the answers for them. But you may not have all the answers and you may not have delved deep enough to even understand what help it is that person actually needs.

If someone has agreed or asked to talk to you, all they are asking for at this stage is for you to listen. Starting to try and resolve their problems for them will be very frustrating and will likely end the conversation fairly swiftly.

Also, advice is just as tricky. You must consider what qualifies you to give advice and how you know exactly what advice that person needs.

If you are signposting to external known organisations or GP’s, that’s fine. Or if you are signposting to internal Mental Health First Aiders or Wellbeing Reps, that‘s also fine. Having said that, this first conversation is about listening to what is actually going on, what help they need or want may not come out.

If you have listened to someone and feel they have exhausted everything they want to say, they may have presented you with multiple problems they feel they have. If you are sat there thinking there is a quick and easy way to resolve just one of those problems, then it is okay to say something but ask their permission first.

“There is one thing you have told me today where I think there is a solution, are you happy for me to talk to you about that, or shall we leave that for another conversation?”

It gives someone the option to hear what you have to say or leave it.

Ignore ‘Clumsy’ and ‘Personally’

Ignore a clumsily worded answer, poorly chosen words or phrases and don’t take anything personally.

You need to ignore how clumsily someone might explain something to you. If this has been building up for some time, it might be the first time they have said it out loud, and emotions may be running high. You need to ignore how clumsily something is put, ignore the words someone chooses to use and listen to the sentiment of what they are saying.

If anything was meant as a personal slight against you, or if you are part of the problem, it’s highly unlikely the person would be choosing to talk to you, so you can’t afford to take anything they say personally.

That’s not always easy if you perceive you might be part of the problem, even if they don’t. For example, you are the person’s Line Manager and they say they are having panic attacks brought on by stress at work because of how busy they are.

You might hear, “you are causing my panic attacks by giving me too much work to do” and assume responsibility for being part of the problem.

But they didn’t say that. They didn’t mention you. They didn’t even say they think the workload is unreasonable, just that they aren’t dealing with it. We are very good at reading between the lines and filling any gaps we think there are but, in this situation, it won’t do you or the person talking any favours.

So, remember when talking about wellbeing, ignore clumsy explanations, poorly chosen words or phrases, and don’t take anything personally.

Talking about wellbeing – these are 7 great ways to break down the barriers to talking.

3 things to consider before starting a conversation

If you want to talk to someone you think might be struggling with their mental health, there are 3 things to consider before you start that conversation.

– Pick your moment.

Probably best not to pounce on someone as soon as they walk through the door or ask to talk to them 5 minutes before they are due to leave. Pick a time when they are settled, and you know that you both have time for the conversation.

– Pick your place.

Away from prying eyes, interruptions, and phone calls but somewhere safe for both of you.

– Pick up nothing!

Don’t take a pen, paper, notepad or any visible electronic item into the meeting. The thought you might take notes could put people off, and it shows you are totally focused on what they are about to say.

We are now all good to go, so how do you get a conversation started?

Talking about wellbeing – Starting a conversation

Often, people shy away from dealing with something because they don’t know how to and, with mental health, are afraid they will say something wrong and make the situation worse.

How do you start a conversation?

– You might have the sort of relationship with the person to go with your instinct, start off with something and go with it depending on how they react.

– You could start with what you have seen – “you don’t seem your usual self, so I wanted to check in and see how you are doing.” Although this is a statement, not a question, it leaves it wide open for someone to start where they want to start and say what they want to say.

– You could try a more direct approach, “I’m worried about you. You are not yourself. What’s happening in your world that’s getting you down?”

– You could start with support, “I’ve noticed you don’t seem your usual happy self at the moment, and I want to help, tell me how you are feeling.”

Sometimes you might start the conversation one way and it doesn’t work, so you might need to try different ways of encouraging someone to open up.

Don’t give up on somebody too easily, as it might make your concern seem disingenuous, but you may also have to accept that you have just caught them at the wrong time, and they are not ready to open up yet.

If you ask some good open questions, give them the space and time to talk and they don’t take it, let them know there will be another opportunity.

“I understand if you don’t want to open up right now, but I want you to know that you can talk to me when you are ready. I’ll check in with you again in the next couple of days, and if you want to speak to me before then, let me know”.

There is the possibility that they may want to open up, but you are just not the person they want to open up with. After letting them know you will check in again in the next couple of days, you could add, “if you want to talk to someone else, we have lots of options available to you. The key thing is you talk to someone, so let me know if I can support you with that.”

Talking About Wellbeing

It is not nice when your mental health is affected, in the same way as breaking your leg or having a migraine isn’t nice. As a Line Manager, just offering to be there for someone is a good thing to do. If someone says they would like to talk to you about what’s bothering them, take the time to do all the things above to prepare for the conversation and then put your best listening head on.

You could be the first step to someone’s road to recovery.

Make sure you take time out for yourself afterwards to give yourself time to decompress.

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